I donated my eggs six years ago and, because of that, there is now a lovely, busy, thriving family of four. My donation was unusual in that I know my recipients and have had the privilege of meeting and knowing their children. While it’s a relationship that not all donors want, I feel blessed and privileged to know this family that I helped create.
To me, it’s important to be available to my recipients chiefly because I believe they are entitled to my evolving family medical history. I also believe (somewhat controversially, I suppose) that the children are entitled to see and know me. I think those words are controversial because there is a worry that donors will form inappropriate attachments to the children that result from their donation.
Has my contact with my recipients fostered an inappropriate attachment to their children? I don’t think so. I feel a strong connection to my recipients, who are wonderful parents and inspiring intellectual, emotional, and financial providers to their children. I do not feel an inherent emotional connection to their children, despite our genetic connection. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t ambivalence. I care about them, cheer for their progress, and want them to thrive. I smile when I observe or hear about certain abilities or traits that they share with my family. But, even on the most base or visceral level, I do not feel that they are “mine.” I do not feel like their parent, which is appropriate since I am not their social parent.
What role do I hope to play in their lives? I hope to play whatever role the children would like me to take on. Perhaps, as they grow, they will have no interest in knowing me or asking me questions. I am okay with that. Perhaps they will want to meet me out of curiosity and ask questions about my family, but not have ongoing contact. Perhaps they will view me as a close family friend. I would be thrilled if they chose the latter, but I am okay with any outcome. What is important to me is that nagging questions about their donor’s identity, my identity, never detract from their loving family life.
I hope the children realize that they came about from a loving, cooperative effort between three people who want nothing more than for them to have a fulfilling life. I am not their parent, but I will go above and beyond, as I have from their beginning, to make sure that they are happy, successful kiddos. And, from all that I can see, they are well on their way.
Donating my eggs was one of the most powerful and impactful things I’ve done to create happiness and opportunity for others. I am grateful to have been given the opportunity.
Read the full article: How I Feel About Egg Donation, Six Years Later